When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
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ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course