Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
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Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.