My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
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ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful