Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
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Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
greetings!
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.