Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
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Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog