People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
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Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
me hooking up with my ex
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.