I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
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Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Found the job I’m suited for
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.