I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
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Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.