My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
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when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Dietest Coke
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.