Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.