My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
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dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.