If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
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The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Mornin
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Don’t touch that.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend