*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
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If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”