Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
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If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Did I do this right
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.