Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
You Might Also Like
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet