Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
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My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”