Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
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choose your gary
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face