*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
You Might Also Like
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Some of y’all tomorrow …
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I beg your pardon?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.