me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
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if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Guilty! 🤪
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants