I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
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I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
wtf is an acronym
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.