[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
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a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Noah was an idiot.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?