It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
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*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
japanese corn
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.