It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
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Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
#Caturday
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.