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There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!