NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
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god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.