“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
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Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.