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Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.