Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
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I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
i dont have time for this
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates