You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
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I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
“i am a sweet baby”
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok