have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
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*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”