I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
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prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Remember folks 😂
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
me linking you to my twitter
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.