Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
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So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.