Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
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A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Wait for it
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out