“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
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This might be the funniest tweet ever
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
They’re stuck in your pants?
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.