Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
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The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound