approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
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[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
it must be school picture day
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*