looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
c’mon!
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!