It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
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I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
This meal prepping shit easy
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on