Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
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‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor