The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
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My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS