[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
You Might Also Like
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon