Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
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My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Saw your ex at the shops
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
what do you want!!!!!!!!
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.