I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
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I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
work smarter, not harder
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.