Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
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My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid