If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
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Okey dokey.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!