It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
You Might Also Like
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
when mom throws a party…
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..