Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
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If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.