Fluff me with a fork baby
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today