train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
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[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.