In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
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My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.